GUESS NOT?

This was totally my dad's face when he overheard me saying, "I feel like my boobs are getting bigger."

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE

L1 6:49 pm Do you want a cake or cupcakes?
Drewski 6:49 pm Your present can be to keep L2 away from me.

LIFE LESSON

Made a sandwich for the homeless guy I see on my way to work everyday. Then I didn't see him. Lesson: Don't do nice things.

ALONE AGAIN NATURALLY

I was at an awful graduation open house with my boyfriend. I only went to keep him company, as I did not know a single person there. After approximately 5 minutes he decided he had had enough, said, "Dip!" and bolted out of there like his head was on fire. I thought he meant he was going to get more dip for his vegetables, so I continued to sit there all by myself like a friendless idiot, which I am.

DENIED

Tonight at the bar, after several requests to the DJ (Limp Bizkit, Barry Manilow, Elton John, ICP, KC & Jo Jo) we heard loudly: "Yeah!.... It don't stop.... [reads request]... Please stop."

MY NEW LIFE OF CRIME

I recently turned to graffiti as the latest outlet for my creative impulses. After proudly sending some photos of my work to L2, she told me that she wanted to show them to her coworkers but she was worried they'd ask her how old I was, and she'd be too embarrassed to answer truthfully.

GOOD SAMARITAN

Today I quietly informed a girl, "I think you have something in your hair." I carefully reached out to remove the neon strand and realized it was attached to her weave. Yes, I tried to pull out a girl's weave today.

YOU JEEPIN BEHIND MY BACK?

Mid-embrace:

L1: Are you reading your video game website over my shoulder?
Boyfriend: No, I swear.
L1: Yes, you were!
Boyfriend: No, I was reading my phone over your shoulder.

HOTNESS FAIL

I straightened my hair in a desperate attempt to be hot for my boyfriend. He took one look at me and said, "You look like Elvira." I think he meant Morticia but either way, it wasn't good.