REAL SLICK

Today at work I failed to notice the 13 year old standing over my shoulder, laughing as I texted, "I'm always jonesin' for you, baby," to my boyfriend.

NA, I'M USED TO IT

Mom: Are you mad I said your boyfriend has better legs than you?

BURN

L1: Don't make me get in my super annoying mode.
Harry: You're not in it right now?

COOL?

Mom: She reminds me of you even though she's nice.

OOPSIE

Last night at work, a customer told L2 she liked her costume. L2 was not wearing a costume.

SOME MORE SLUTTY STATISTICS

Number of guys I made out with in a 5 month period that ended up to be gay: 2

Number of those guys who also ended up to be homeless: 1

Number of times the bar has ever been set lower than it was during that period of my life: 0

UNFORTUNATE MISTAKEN IDENTITY

Back when my life sucked even worse than it does now (believe it or not) I had the thankless job of substitute teaching. One day while working a staff member entered my classroom and walked right by me. I asked, "Can I help you?" to which she replied, "OH! I thought you were a student in this class!"

I was subbing for 6th graders. Special ed 6th graders. Yes, I was genuinely mistaken for a 12 year old retard.

I DON'T ASK A LOT

Drewski: You know I’d take a bullet for you.

L1: Fine. I guess I'll stop being mad.

Drewski: In the leg or foot.

Drewski: Nowhere in the upper torso.

HARRY PREPARES TO RIDE INTO THE DANGER ZONE

Harry: I'm glad you're going to live with us, too. I don't think I could handle L2 alone.
Nate: Why? What's wrong with her?
Harry: I just see her in her natural habitat...
Nate: (concerned) Well what's wrong with her?! What does she do?!
Harry: Well, tonight she was singing Danger Zone.

WHAT AN HONOR

L1: I’m glad he works in a bar. He must see drunk idiots all the time so I won’t even seem that bad.
Mom: He must get hit on all the time.
L1: So?
Mom: Yeah… nobody’s as slutty as you.

QUEEN OF THE DUMPEES

Coworker to a group of 7th graders: This is the Guidance Office. You can make an appointment to see your counselor if you're having a conflict. For example, if you think your boyfriend is going to dump you and you're all worried about it, you can talk to your counselor. Or you can ask L1 about it. She's good with that stuff.

TAKING APPLICATIONS

Coworker to L1: All alone again? Did you shower today? I need to round up some friends for you.

APPARENTLY I'M ACCIDENT-PRONE

L1: Last night I met Mal for dinner in Auburn Hills. When I left the ramp to 75N was blocked, so I got on 75S so I could get off at the next exit and get back on. The next exit was Chrysler Drive which apparently translates to LONG WINDING DRIVEWAY TO THE CHRYSLER BUILDING. I turned around to get back on, but the ramp was closed, so I decided to try the detour. The detour signs ended and there was no 75 in sight, so I turned around to find detour signs pointing the OTHER WAY, so I was like "WTF, am I in the Twilight Zone?" I get on 75S again and get off on Square Lake Road where I see a sign pointing to 75N, so I follow it.... and it leads me to like, town where there is construction everywhere. So I'm in a PANIC at this point. It's dark, no clue where I am, sweating/about to cry... and in this panic, while attempting to make a Michigan turn, I sideswipe a car. Inside the car = people with no teeth, two dogs, and a duck.
Drewski: Hahaha. What did they say?
L1: They were so mad. They yelled at me. These people were obviously crazy. I'm scared they will try to sue me.
Drewski: Probably. Why didn't they have teeth?
L1: Poor hygiene? They didn't brush twice a day?
Drewski: Why does shit like this always happen to you?
L1: I don't know! My life literally gets worse by the minute.

MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT

Today an autistic kid called me a homo. I'm glad he powered through his difficulty with social interaction to communicate this to me.

STORY OF MY LIFE

My old piece of shit computer recently died, so in a moment of rage I gave it to my dad, claiming that I was sick of it, and promptly purchased a new one. I thought my computer was a lost cause, that I could get a few cool points for giving it away without really sacrificing much since obviously it was never going to work again.

Today I learned that my dad, determined to save that hunk of junk, dropped it off somewhere to get it fixed. This would not be so bad except for my massive NOODZ collection. I now keep having frightening visions of tech geeks laughing at my vag. This is probably happening for real.

THE ULTIMATE FML

When FML.com became popular I thought, "Now here's a site that was made for me!" and obviously began submitting at least 5 true stories a day. However, zero of them were ever published on the site. I eventually came to the conclusion that my stories, despite being true, must have been unbelievable. So in other words, a website devoted to terrible lives couldn't even believe my terrible life.

THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL

San: You talk like a gay man.

**Note: I am a straight woman.

GET THESE LOSERS OFF MY SCREEN

Last night we got drunk (ok, L1 got drunk. L2 has no excuse) and went down our friends lists on Facebook leaving people video comments. We did this to SEVERAL people, including my 10th grade English teacher. So far two people have deleted their videos, and only one has responded.

TRUE STORY #4

Once I made out with a guy in a Leprechaun costume who was dancing to Phil Collins.

LOST IN TRANSLATION

Obviously I have no social skills, so I try to limit my communication with people to text messages and AIM conversations. This usually works out well except in the instance years ago when my (now-ex) boyfriend, via IM, asked my preferred word for “vagina.” Being an immature ass, I thought he was being funny, so I replied that I really loved the word “twat.”

I had no clue that he was genuinely inquiring as to what I would like him to call my particular vagina until a few days later when he leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Baby… let me lick your twat.”

I almost died but thankfully didn’t so now I am here to warn you that the, “What do you want me to call your vagina?” conversation is probably one that should occur in person. Just trying to help.

A MOMENT OF PANIC

Drewski: This girl I went to dinner with once is all naked on the internet.

L1: What

L1: Who

L1: Why

L1: Wait

L1: Is it me?

HOW TO BOGGLE PEOPLE'S MINDS

This is the Facebook message I received from my "friend" Van:

"Do you really have a boyfriend? Or is this some weird Facebook relationship wherein you fake people out?"

Apparently it's inconceivable that anyone might really, for real, actually date me.

CONFIRMATION

L1 7:24 pm I am the worst.
Jared 7:25 pm Oh come on now.
L1 7:25 pm No, I really am. Just ask Dennis.
Jared 7:26 pm Haha Ok. Well Dennis has already told me that.

I THOUGHT OLD PEOPLE HAD BAD EYES?

Grandma to L2: Where'd you get all those pimples?

GUESS NOT

L1: Some guy was yelling at L2 at a concert, saying she's so hot and he wants to fuck her.

Drewski: What is wrong with people? Don't they have eyes?

ONE OUT OF TWO AIN'T BAD

L1: I read that moms who have kids after age 30 are more likely to have successful children. My mom was in her 30s when she had me and L2.

Drewski: Well... at least it worked with one of the two.

REVILED BY ALL SPECIES

Since zero humans like me, I tend to befriend animals instead. I met a really cool dog in a bar last night. I felt a real friendship budding between us, a true connection. Then I tried to give him a smooch and he barked loudly in my face. So basically everyone in the bar saw or heard me get rejected by a dog.

GOOD ONE, MOM

Mom: You look pretty.

L2: What?

Mom: JUST KIDDING.

A LOVE STORY FOR THE AGES

L1: Last night we got "engaged" at Puzzlers in Burton and the DJ announced it and I think everyone really thinks we're getting married.

DL: I don't know why you tell me these things. Maybe you're trying to break a record of how disappointed someone can be in someone else.

L1: Just don't want you to be surprised when you see our announcement in the paper.

DL: I think the most underrated aspect of this story is that you're now partying at bars in Burton. Now you just gotta hook up with his dad and you'll hit the tri-fecta.

L1: Within 3 seconds of being there I was texting L2 saying, "COME GET ME," because it was so skanky and this crazy bitz cornered me in the bathroom because she likes him. I thought I was going to get beat up for sure.

DL: I really want to know how these brothers feel about both hooking up with you. I always knew you'd end up in a Burton bathroom getting threatened by a girl whose boyfriend and his brother you made out with.

L1: I don't think either of them care really.

DL: Yikes... So are you actually serious about this?

L1: I'm just going along with it, whatever, trying something new. It's the relationship of the future.

DL: Wow...What...The...Fuck...Dude...I am literally speechless. I am dumbstruck. I don't think you will ever recover from the path that your life is on right now.

L1: Hahaha why?

DL: 1. You're engaged... actually that's my only point.

L1: But only maybe for real.

L1: Ok I am so not fake engaged anymore, what a pain in my ass. We went to Puzzlers again with L2. He had taken two pills of E and was acting like a retard. I got annoyed with him kissing L2 on the cheek so I kissed his friend who told him, "I made out with L1, hope you're not mad!" He got pissed at me, and was all, "YOU MADE OUT WITH MY FRIEND!!!! AND MY BROTHER!!" and I was like, "CAUSE YOU KISSED MY SISTER!!" Hahahahaahahahahahaha I really think I might kill myself this time for real.

DL: Alright, so you're a hillbilly now. I wish I had clever things to say but you blow my mind to such an extent that my brain can't correctly create any insults.

THIS IS WHAT I'M GOOD FOR

L1: He always wants to sleep over because he likes sleeping next to me.

Mom: Does he have air conditioning? I bet he doesn’t, and that’s why he wants to sleep over.

I CAN'T EVEN TOTAL MY CAR LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

This is me and Muns after I nearly killed us on 1-75. Please note my bare feet, men's flannel pajamas, lack of bra (that one was kind of hard to draw), Muns' wound that made it look like he had his period, and our two most prized possessions that we had to recover from the wreckage: a 5 dollar bottle of wine and Fanny.

WHOOPS MY BAD

L2: Is he hot?

L1: That’s a girl.

S.O.S.

The following texts from L1 to L2 went completely ignored:

Text 1: He brought me to a bar. Two minutes later a fight broke out, bottles flying by my head. Now he’s MIA. Come get me?

Text 2: PLZ PICK ME UP

Text 3: I WANT TO DIE

Text 4: Omg plz get me. I’m falling asleep. Drunx everywhere.

Text 5: I’m the only girl here. There’s a guy passed out in the corner. You have to help.

Text 6: L2 THEY’RE ON WELFARE.

Text 7: You are the worst sister ever.

I DO HAVE SOME DIGNITY

L1: Thank god I don't like you.

Drewski: Would you kill yourself?

L1: Definitely.

Drewski: I wouldn’t come to your funeral.

L1: Because you'd be sobbing uncontrollably in the hospital under sedation.

Drewski: If you killed yourself and left a note saying it was because you liked me I would be so insulted. I would erase you from my memory.

L1: That would be way too embarrassing. I'd never admit liking you. Duhhh. I have a reputation to uphold.

Drewski: Of a drunk ho bag?

L1: Yeah. Duh.

OUR INNER CIRCLE

Harry: You do know a lot of people who shit their pants!

SOME SLUTTY STATISTICS

Number of guys we’ve both made out with: 4

Number of times that happened on the same night: 2

% of those guys who now probably want to kill themselves: 100

YOU'RE PRACTICALLY A GENIUS, L2

L1: You're really not that dumb. I don't know why you act like it. I mean, you know how to spell 'throughout' and a lot of people don't.
L2: That’s not hard. Challenge me!
L1: Okay, where's Cyprus?
L2: (silence)

NO WAY

L1: I'm in Boston, New York on the 20th.

Laura: What manbeast are you rendezvousing with this time?

L1: None actually! I have a manz believe it or not.

Laura: Oh yeah! Saw it on Facebook, but thought it was some kind of joke.

HAPPY HUMP DAY

Drewski: The thought of L2 awkwardly humping me is so terrifying
L1: We are LOLing so hard. She says, “He'd be the one humping me!"
Drewski: Absolutely not. There is no way I would ever put any effort into sex with L2.

NAPPY HEADED HO

Kindergartener: Can I play with your hair?

L1: Sure.

Kindergartener: Good. It's really nappy.

HIGH STYLIN

Today at work I was wearing the same t-shirt as someone else. It was a boy. In kindergarten.

HELP ME

Today I saw that my Aunt Carol, my godmother, sent me something in the mail. Curious, I opened the envelope to discover this message:

Hi L1 – check it out!

GIRLFRIEND WANTED: 20s to 40s. Hear recorded message. Toll free (888) 917 – 5550. I am loner type, handsome man. Never wants kids.

Love,

Aunt Carol

I am so glad that when people see girlfriend wanted ads placed by desperate loners who don’t plan to reproduce, they immediately think of me. Also, I called this number and got no answer.

PLEASE OH PLEASE

L1: I’m gonna go to the gym, get swoll.
Ben: Get hot.
L1: I’ve been trying for 22 years.
Ben: It will happen.
L1: Fingers crossed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

Drewski: Remember when my birthday present to you was to ditch you with K?

L1: No, I forgot.

Drewski: I made it up to you though with Frankies.

L1: That's true, but because of you I ended up having drunken blackout birthday sex I don't remember and got a UTI from until Ronan cured it with 12 vodka cranberries.

THUG LYFE

Occasionally my friends take pity on me and let me visit them, as was the case when I went to LA for Thanksgiving. My friends there are dudes, and it wasn’t long before they decided to take a holiday trip to the classiest strip joint in town, Snooky’s. Since this was before I was ever dragged into a strip club and forced by Muns to take titty shots, I considered myself way too classy (ha!) to participate and instead stayed at the house while my friends ventured out to see some titties.

Bored and alone, I decided to entertain myself the best way I knew how – by posing for a picture with the life-size Pac and Snoop poster on the wall, duh. I set the timer on my camera but couldn’t find a location at the proper height to make the picture happen. Naturally, I stacked a chair on the bed and set the camera on top of it, but it was still not high enough. I added a space heater on top of the chair on top of the bed, and set the camera on top of that. Finally, success! I hit the button, ran to the poster, struck my best gangster pose, and…

…Spotted my friends peeking in the bedroom window. Apparently strip clubs aren’t open on holidays (imagine that!) so they returned, curious to spy what I was up to. Of course they asked me what the fuck I was doing, so I invented a story about a bug on the ceiling and me trying to get high enough to swat it. Yeah. I don't think they bought it.

WE'VE MADE THE BIG TIME

We have anonymous haters!

Anonymous said...

Just because some people are trying hard in life to be something doesn't mean you have the right to fuck with them for your pitiful entertainment and attention seeking blogs.

Sorry to all of you who are trying hard to be something when being big losers comes so easily to us. I realize you must all be jealous of our effortless sucking. Please accept our apologies and give us some attention.

OBVIOUSLY

Grandma: How's your boyfriend?

L1: We broke up.

Grandma: Oh. He must have found someone else.

AT LEAST WE SUCK EQUALLY

L1 to L2: Remember our contest to see who could make out with more guys at your open house and we both made out with zero?

I WIN AGAIN! THIS NEVER HAPPENS

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LIFE OF THE PARTY

I spied this being said behind my back on Facebook.

Mal: Maybe for tailgate we can invite L1 to B-Dubs so we can laugh at her while she drops chicken wings in her drink and falls asleep sitting up at the table.