LIFE OF THE PARTY

I spied this being said behind my back on Facebook.

Mal: Maybe for tailgate we can invite L1 to B-Dubs so we can laugh at her while she drops chicken wings in her drink and falls asleep sitting up at the table.

OUR CHIEF DILEMMA

L2: Guys don’t like me because I’m not a slut!

L1: Guys don’t like me and I AM a slut!

THE DAY I ACCIDENTALLY BECAME A SEXUAL HARASSER

For reasons unknown, sometimes people make the mistake of hiring me. A few years ago I was working at a local high school when one day some fellow employees and I decided it would be a great idea to prank text one of the student teachers, Mr. Kolata. Since I was the only one whose number Mr. Kolata didn’t have, my Zack Morris phone was the lucky winner from which we sent our dirty texts.

Someone had the genius idea to pretend like we were one of his students, so we sent mature, appropriate texts like, “Mr. Kolata, I’ll wear my crotchless panties tomorrow in 3^rd hour,” and, “Mr. Kolata, stick it in my twat-a.” Never one to know when enough is enough and a joke has ceased to be funny, I, of course, sent a few more texts throughout the day, and then forgot about it by the time I went to bed.

The next morning I was sleeping, probably dreaming of Slim Jims, when I was awoken by a call from the police. They wanted to know who had been sexually harassing somebody from my phone. I explained the situation, the po-po laughed, and I thought it was settled… until the assistant principal called. She, unfortunately, did not find the situation humorous, as the entire office staff had spent the morning investigating the possible student culprit. It was way too late for damage control, and I was too embarrassed to attend the meeting of doom the principal requested, so obviously I quit that shit ASAP.

Apparently super embarrassing problems don’t just disappear when I do. L2, still a student there at the time, came home with news that two of her teachers made apologetic, “I heard about your sister…” comments. Unaware that the prank was a group effort, it appeared that I was just a lone pervert, furiously texting innocent student teachers in my quest to sexually harass. Later that night one of my two friends called me, saying he had talked to his friend, another teacher at the school, and she had told him a story of an employee who got in trouble for sexual harassment and he was just DYING to know who it was.

“Eric!” I cried. “IT WAS MEEEEEE!"

WORST STATE IN THE UNION

Yesterday we willingly went to Ohio.

That's all.

TOUCHE

L1: But I feel wrong, as in, "Wow, I made out with a LOSER."

Drewski: Well now you know every guy has felt after he made out with you.

ONCE I WAS PSYCHIC

L1: One of my favorite hobbies is claiming via Facebook to have hooked up with people I never hooked up with and really am not even friends with. I like to imagine their faces when they're like, "Hooked up? Huh?” Anyway, I selected it for this one dude I had never even met before but who once took L2 out on a date. I put, "We hooked up and it was mehhh..." Then, a few months later, we DID hook up and it WAS mehhh! I'm not changing it, either.

DL: My favorite part of this story is that you hooked up with a guy who took L2 out on a date. My next favorite part is that you consider it a hobby to claim you hooked up with people. And of course, the fact that you didn't change the status is pretty solid as well.

THE NEXT EDWARD LEAR

This poem was composed while drinking with Mal on our flight to Las Vegas:

Too bad nobody hot

Will be at our vacay spot

But I guess I don't mind

There'll be no dicks in my behind

And I won't have to shave my poor twat

L2'S HAND JOB DEBUT

Since I’m a loser with no friends, I often make internet friends. Last year one of my victims was a teenage male model (AKA the foot) from LA living in New York who I had the good (?) fortune to discover on a website.

Naturally, L2 and I were promptly in New York, hooking up with the foot and his friend almost immediately after landing (but not before I met another internet friend from Storm Chasers at a karaoke bar in Chinatown). The foot was about 92 pounds and covered in leather and chains so that when he walked he sounded like Jacob Marley jangling around Scrooge’s house. Obviously this gave me a major boner, so we made out. Somehow, in the drunken blur, the foot’s friend ditched us (smart guy) and the foot ended up at our hotel.

I expected us all to cram into the bed, but L2, assuming that since I’m a skank I wanted to sex the foot, slept on the floor next to the bed. You know, to give us privacy. I was pass-out drunk and refused the foot’s advances. I thought things were settled until I was awoken from my blackout with his hand down my pants. I swatted him away and went back to bed. L2, meanwhile, looked up from the floor to see his pale, scrawny, naked ass hanging over the bed. Unbeknownst to me, he had gotten completely naked while I peacefully blacked out beside him.

When I woke up, he was dressed and leaving. Later, he bitched me out for being a cock tease, when in reality I’m a spiteful hag. To make sure he got it right, I tracked down his friend from the night before so I could make out with him and piss off the foot. Mission accomplished.

L2 then decided to get some action of her own and promptly began making out with the bartender (who, thanks to L2’s fake ID, had been serving both of us drinks all night). Too drunk to function by closing time, the bartender got us a cab and came back to the hotel with us. For some reason we all got on MySpace where the 30 year old bartender saw L2’s senior pictures. OOPS. “Are you 17?!” he asked, before then admitting, “Well… too late to turn back now!”

That night I slept on the floor with a pillow on my head while L2 was introduced to the world of hand jobs.

EVEN 4 YEAR OLDS MAKE FUN OF ME

A kindergartener: Is that your phone? It looks like a remote.

NO COSTUME NECESSARY

L1: I want to be the butt bandit for Halloween.

Drewski: You don't have to dress up. People can just look at your face.

THIS IS MY BEST "FRIEND"

L1 (11:25:15 PM): Aren’t you glad I’m telling you how I like to f?
Drewski (11:25:37 PM): Yeah. I’ll make mental notes in case we are ever hammered and the last two people on earth.

I WIN (FOR ONCE)

L1 (8:32:55 PM): I am fighting with the foot* and told him he looked like a foot. He got mad that I wouldn’t send him any noodz and called me a bitch, so I said, "Stop being a brat. It's not attractive." He was like, "your just a mad cock tease you did it last time doing it again its old. i dont need your nasty ass anyways im just mad bored hope u get what your looking for." I said, "Are you 7? Grow up and stop being a baby. If you're so bored maybe you should read a dictionary and learn how to spell." He said, "Maybe you should join a gym work off some weight or maybe get some plastic surgery i highly doubt it will fix your busted ass but its worth a try i guess," so I said, "You look like a foot," and he said, "to bad i get paid for it !!! girl your so busted i don't even know what to compare you to. u look like you could be sloth from the goonies lil brother." I said, "Go model some shoes. With your face."

*The foot = an illiterate model from LA. Spelling and grammatical errors are obviously intact.

THANKS MOM

Mom, speaking to her sister: Honey, they have the morning after pill now! Just ask L1, she'll tell you all about it!

SLAMMER, HERE I COME

L1: Last night I drunkenly posed in my underwear for a picture with my friend’s little brother so he could text it to his cheating ex-girlfriend to make her jealous. This would not be so bad except for the fact that he goes to the school where I work.

MS: The clock is ticking until you're charged with a crime, but as "The Dark Knight" makes clear, everybody loves a criminal.

PAY ATTENTION, KIDS!

Why take notes in class when you can pass perverted drawings back and forth with your friend, Zilla, of each other giving blow jobs? That was our genius plan… until our teacher realized we weren’t paying attention and snatched the note from us, mid-penis sketch (how rude!). She thought she’d embarrassed us by reading it aloud, not realizing Zilla had written, “L2 LOVES GIVING HAND JOBS!” all over it. Needless to say, she was not impressed. She sent us both to the old ass principal’s office, made us show and explain the drawing to him – individually – and we both ended up in Saturday school detention. Shit was real awkward in class from then on.

NEW FUCKIN HAIRCUT

Drewski: How’s the 19 year old?

L1: Oh my god. My life has been so pathetic these past 3 hrs. If I tell you about it you might not be my friend anymore.

Drewski: Haha do it

L1: I IMed him earlier, no reply, he signed off a little while later. I was like WTF because he seriously was like, worshipping and obsessing yesterday. I tried to make L2 go to the bar with me so we could find some hot tail but she wouldn’t. I decide the best way of dealing w/it is to drug myself so I fall asleep at 7:00, so I took 5 times the recommended dosage of these prescription painkillers I have. Turns out that was a bad idea because it just makes you twitchy and drooly and have to pee a lot.

Drewski: What on Earth are you doing to yourself?

L1: So finally I get out of bed, start stuffing my face with nachos, get on Facebook, and these pictures were just added: (removed). Yikes on the hair. Now I'm so torn between being seriously disturbed by his hair and pissed off because WHO DOES THE HEISMAN TO ME?

Drewski: This is who you want to bone?

L1: Well, it was. Before I saw that hair.

Drewski: Seriously. He looks like he’s from Staten Island.

L1: I'm more pissed off about getting dissed. HE SHOULD BE LIKE, “OMG I GOT L2'S SISTER TO SEND ME PICTURES OF HER BOOBZ!" This should have been his crowning achievement.

Drewski: How could you seriously have sex with him if his hair was like that?

DENIED

Hot guy at party: Your friend said you wanted to talk to me.

L2: Yeah! I think you’re hot, and I want to make out.

Hot guy at party: Oh, thanks, but I have a girlfriend… she’s here.

MY SECRET WEAPON

The one time L2 dated outside her type (tattooed, dirty, unemployed “musicians”) she went to the other extreme with a clean-cut germphobe who was borderline obsessive-compulsive when it came to cleanliness. Clearly a glutton for punishment, he often subjected himself to hanging out with both of us, using his parents’ money to buy us food and hotel rooms where we could get drunk and L1 could pretend it wasn’t creepy or weird at all to hang out with high schoolers, so we were willing to overlook the fact that he drove an Escalade, wore hair gel, and probably ironed his clothes and trimmed his armpit hair… until we caught that fucker cheating. Ever the classy dude, he screwed a skank upstairs in his house while L2 cleaned the basement after a party.

Obviously he had to be punished, but let’s be honest. We’re way too lazy to plot a proper revenge. Luckily, the perfect opportunity to get even presented itself when he and L2 decided to return each others’ personal belongings. L2, unable to face the shame of having been cheated on by someone who wears gold necklaces, put me, L1, in charge of collecting his things and orchestrating the exchange.

As I looked down at the d-bag’s pile of crap while I waited for him to show up, I noticed a tube of chapstick (because no man can go without moisturized lips). Of course I immediately pulled down my pants, bent over in front of a full-length mirror, and wiped the chapstick all over my butthole. I should note that this was the special, medicated kind of chapstick, which resulted in a burning asshole on my end, but whatever. I suffer for my art. The d-bag wouldn’t even eat off my fork. Let’s see how much he likes wiping my ass germs all over his lips!

Of course I waited a few days before spilling the beans that I had used his chapstick as a butthole moisturizer. I had to make sure he had used it a few times, duh.

JUST KIDDING

My Facebook status said that I didn't wear a bra to work today. A male friend commented that he "likes this." He then commented that he didn't know how to use his new Blackberry Storm and "liked" my status on accident.

CHRIS HANSEN'S MOST WANTED

L1: My 8^th grade crush lives here.

Aunt: I wonder what he looks like now.

L1: Probably the same as he looked a month ago when I saw him.

Aunt: I thought you hadn’t seen him since you were in 8^th grade.

L1: No, I meant he’s in 8^th grade CURRENTLY.

THANKS?

Custodian: Has anyone ever told you that you look JUST like…

L1: (smiling, waiting to hear the name of someone even mildly attractive)

Custodian: …Paul Stanley from KISS?

A BIRTHDAY TRICK

Tue, Nov 25, 2008 at 10:22 AM
Subject: hahaha forgot to tell you
To: Maloxx

It was my birthday. I was in my hotel room with the dillweed model from the internet who I was in New York to meet 2 days after our first MySpace exchange, and I had just finished a bottle of wine and given him a beej while he was on the phone with his mom. I hadn't pooped the entire day before because of the bleeding butthole he had given me, so we were about to leave for dinner and I realized I had to go. Well, he had to poop first. He came out and I was like, "I have to...pee. Great, you stunk it up!" So I went in and pooped, and when I was done he had to go back in there for something (probably to fix his hair) before we left. He came out and said, "You're right... I DID stink it up!" HAHAHAHA IT WAS ME. HE NEVER KNEW.