THE DAY I ACCIDENTALLY BECAME A SEXUAL HARASSER

For reasons unknown, sometimes people make the mistake of hiring me. A few years ago I was working at a local high school when one day some fellow employees and I decided it would be a great idea to prank text one of the student teachers, Mr. Kolata. Since I was the only one whose number Mr. Kolata didn’t have, my Zack Morris phone was the lucky winner from which we sent our dirty texts.

Someone had the genius idea to pretend like we were one of his students, so we sent mature, appropriate texts like, “Mr. Kolata, I’ll wear my crotchless panties tomorrow in 3^rd hour,” and, “Mr. Kolata, stick it in my twat-a.” Never one to know when enough is enough and a joke has ceased to be funny, I, of course, sent a few more texts throughout the day, and then forgot about it by the time I went to bed.

The next morning I was sleeping, probably dreaming of Slim Jims, when I was awoken by a call from the police. They wanted to know who had been sexually harassing somebody from my phone. I explained the situation, the po-po laughed, and I thought it was settled… until the assistant principal called. She, unfortunately, did not find the situation humorous, as the entire office staff had spent the morning investigating the possible student culprit. It was way too late for damage control, and I was too embarrassed to attend the meeting of doom the principal requested, so obviously I quit that shit ASAP.

Apparently super embarrassing problems don’t just disappear when I do. L2, still a student there at the time, came home with news that two of her teachers made apologetic, “I heard about your sister…” comments. Unaware that the prank was a group effort, it appeared that I was just a lone pervert, furiously texting innocent student teachers in my quest to sexually harass. Later that night one of my two friends called me, saying he had talked to his friend, another teacher at the school, and she had told him a story of an employee who got in trouble for sexual harassment and he was just DYING to know who it was.

“Eric!” I cried. “IT WAS MEEEEEE!"