AND SO IT HAPPENS AGAIN

During one of the 4,300 times I logged into Twitter* today, I noticed that I appeared to be following Christian Siriano. Since Christian Siriano is not one of my 5 friends, I clicked the photo so that I could figure out the identity of the strange boy who made his way to my followers list. Mystery solved, it was just L2 modeling her new mullet in her latest photo.

*The fact that we use Twitter might be the most embarrassing part of this story.

BLUE MOON

I mooned L2 and she complained about an unsightly bruise on my ass. I looked in the mirror and found that I do not have a bruise on my ass at all; she merely mistook the shadow from a giant cellulite dimple for one.

WHAT DO WE AND THE PLAGUE HAVE IN COMMON?

L2: Where have you been?
Dad: Avoiding you.

GUESS I'LL GO EAT WORMS

L2 took a vacation with her only friend and, being socially retarded in real life situations, immediately began having withdrawals from all social networking sites. She texted with instructions to check her MySpace and relay the newest comment. As expected, she had zero notifications. I doubt anyone even notices she's gone.

KARMA BITES ME IN THE ASS VAG AGAIN

Shame: having the girl with the biggest boobs in middle school whose yearbook you stole in order to scribble "SKANK!" inside it dispense your yeast infection meds at the pharmacy 10 years later.

BIRTHDAY BUTT RAPE

Last year my birthday present to myself was a trip to New York to sex up an internet friend I had been chatting with for 48 hours. One morning we were spooning, semi-clothedly, when suddenly - without warning - I was rammed in the ass by his dick. I spent the next 24 hours walking around the city like a cripple and not using the bathroom because even taking a piss made my asshole bleed.

The next week at Thanksgiving dinner when I was sharing this charming tale with my family, my mom confessed that when I was a baby, my doctor had informed her that I was born with an abnormally small butthole, but she had kept it from me all these years because she didn't want me to feel different. Had I known this information earlier, I might have been more protective of it. Sorry, butthole.

WHAT NOT TO WEAR TO WORK

A student passed me the following note:

Ms. L1,
That shirt doesn't fit your style. You look older... like Mrs. J. Eww.

On one hand, I consider it a small victory that the student spelled everything right and had no grammatical errors. On the other, apparently I look like shit.

GOOD POINT

L2: He likes you now so who cares?
L1: Well I don't want to think that before he knew me he liked girls like that.
L2: Well before you knew him you liked an 8th grader.

GUESS AGAIN

A lady at work came up to compliment my hair. This would be a good thing if the compliment was something other than, "MY SON WOULD JUST LOVE THAT HAIRCUT!" Bottom line, the lady thought I was a boy.