BURNED BY A 9 YEAR OLD, AGAIN

My job requires me to wear an ID badge with a picture of my face. A 3rd grader looked at it and said, "This doesn't look like you." Because I think the picture is hideous, I said, "Good! I don't like that picture!" The student replied, "Well, it doesn't look like you because you can't see all the bumps on your face." THANKS, KID!

MORE PUBLIC EMBARRASSMENT

There once was a time when I made fun of Renaissance Festival freaks. Following my life's downhill slide, however, now I am one. This year I ordered a chintzy ass beer wench costume in order to partake more fully in the festivities. After chugging a thermos of $7 dollar wine on the way to the festival, I had to pee. Wanting to avoid the porta-potties, I decided to endure the embarrassment of being in Renaissance garb in public and stopped at a gas station to use the pisser.

I knocked on the door and the deep growl of what only could have been a trucker let me know the bathroom was occupied. After hanging around for a few minutes and receiving plenty of check-out-this-freak-show stares, I realized the guy had to be taking a massive trucker shit that I did not care to smell, so I left to go somewhere else. Unfortunately, the only place between the gas station and the festival was a very large, very busy bar.

Trying to be inconspicuous, I speed-walked to the bathroom, had a very successful pee, and was making a severe bee-line for the door when suddenly I experienced a head-on collision with a woman entering the bar. We both screamed, she yelling, "JESUS CHRIST! I THOUGHT I HEARD A HERD OF DAMN ELEPHANTS COMING AT ME," and everyone in the bar turned to stare at us. In trying to be as unnoticeable as possible, I inadvertently drew the attention of every person in the bar to myself in my dumb ass beer wench outfit.

I finally made it to the festival where the massive amount of alcohol I consumed still made it necessary for me to visit the porta-potties several times. I also fell directly onto my drunk ass in front of many people. Thankfully they were just RenFest freaks.

YEAH I KNOW, I TOTALLY MEANT TO

I was in New York one August and it was hotter than piss, so I dealt with the heat the best way I knew how: by wearing as little clothing as possible. I threw on a thin cotton wrap dress and zero undergarments and was on my merry way. As I stood on the subway platform a woman approached and informed me that my dress had come untied and was sliding open in the back, revealing my entire naked ass. Yep, I was standing on a crowded subway platform with my bare ass showing, totally unaware. I don't remember now, but I'm thinking I was probably drunk.

GET YOUR UGLY, YELLOW, NO-GOOD KEISTER OFF MY PROPERTY

Obviously I live in a shithole of a city in a crime-filled neighborhood. So far I've managed to avoid having my shit broken into or stolen with the help of home security stickers, a buttload of lights outside the house, and a Home Alone-like dedication to making it look like people are home, awake, and partying at all hours of the day and night.

Last night I texted an old friend I hadn't talked to in years. After a 30 minute conversation, he admitted to having no clue what I was talking about and just going along with what I was saying. Apparently my friend had gotten a new number, of which I was unaware, and I had been texting with a stranger. Before I figured this out, I asked the person who he was, and he replied that he was someone outside my window. Although this was obviously a creep playing a joke, I closed all the curtains in my house because I'm an idiot.

Today my boyfriend discovered that during the night a rotten thief had gone through his car, which had been parked directly outside of the windows I sealed shut. The ONE NIGHT I close my curtains and block people outside from being scared off by my well-lit, happening house in which someone could peek out at any minute and call the cops on an intruder, a fucking intruder rummages through my boyfriend's car, stealing shit like it's going out of style. Of course.

VERY FITTING?

One of my three friends and I somehow convinced a man to hire us to "DJ" at his bar. When he finally agreed after several months, which we never thought would happen, we actually had to pick a DJ name. As beaver-havers in a male-dominated field, we decided on Beaver Fever. We made fliers, Facebook invites, the works. Then we discovered that Beaver Fever is also the name of a diarrheal infection. Shit.

JUST A LITTLE BIT

L1: You are so lucky. When is the last time you had to hold a burning hot piece of iron to your head?
Harry: You don't have to do that.
L1: Yeah, but admit I look waaaaay better when I do.
Harry: You look... slightly... better.

YOU KNOW WHAT THEY SAY ABOUT GIRLS WITH BIG FEET...

L2: Are these your shoes?
L1: Yeah.
L2: Why are they so big? I thought they were Harry's.

WE GOT THE SCISSORS

Our aunt defriended us on Facebook.

REAL TEXT EXCHANGE

L1: Today I learned that the Underground Railroad was NOT a railroad that ran underneath the ground.

Dennis: Is this like an FML or actually about you?*

*It was actually about me.

IMPROVEMENT FROM TORI SPELLING?

14 year old: You obviously put a lot of thought into your sweaters...

L1: (Trying to sound hip and youthful) Yeah, I gotta stay fly.

14 year old: Um, no. You look like Freddy Krueger.

CRITICS AGREE

D5L53: Why do you come to me for advice? You do realize I led myself into the worst life situation of all time and if I could I would change every single thing about my life.
L1: I would argue that my life is even worse.
D5L53: I was gonna say that's not possible...but you may be the only person alive that can actually say that.

MOM: 1, L1: 0

Mom: I hate bras!
L1: Why are you wearing one?
Mom: Because I have boobs.

HERE'S TO YOU, MRS. ROBINSON

The only good thing about looking like a young teenager is that it allows me to make out with... young teenagers! I'm in my mid-twenties. Back when I was involved in one of my many sick and twisted dysfunctional relationships, I would often seek revenge on my on-off drunk sex partner by making out with his younger brother. Doing so sometimes required me to drive to the college town where the brother was a student and lived in the dorms.

I thought I was a real slick revenge master when, after a night of drinking, I returned back to the dorms to spend the night with him. Having not actually hung out in college dorms for about 10 years, I was unaware that overnight guests are required to supply their ID to the dorm Nazis stationed at the doors. The shame that I felt when I handed over my ID, revealing my true, creepy age was almost enough to buzzkill the satisfaction I got from hooking up with a hot college freshman in the name of spite. Almost.

I barfed the next morning.

OF COURSE NOT

I was iChatting with a friend when he disappeared for a few minutes. He returned saying, "Sorry I had to jerk off." I asked if he was being serious. He replied, "Yeah, but it had nothing to do with you."

YEP

D5L53: Yeah you're pretty easy.
D5L53: Not in a sexual way, but also, in a sexual way.

PROBABLY

L1: I made a video.
Jason: Could you see your mustache in it?

UNBONEABLE

D5L53: Besides you, any girl I've been friends with, even good friends, I still would have banged if they wanted.

WELL OKAY THEN

My best guy friend told me to comment on his new Facebook picture to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. Despite the fact that all our mutual friends would see it and think I'm a loser, I decided to be a good friend and leave him a photo comment. He took one look at the comment, said, "That's gay," and deleted it.

THANKS FOR NOTICING

Boyfriend: "You have a gobbler."

GUESS NOT?

This was totally my dad's face when he overheard me saying, "I feel like my boobs are getting bigger."

THE BEST THINGS IN LIFE ARE FREE

L1 6:49 pm Do you want a cake or cupcakes?
Drewski 6:49 pm Your present can be to keep L2 away from me.

LIFE LESSON

Made a sandwich for the homeless guy I see on my way to work everyday. Then I didn't see him. Lesson: Don't do nice things.

ALONE AGAIN NATURALLY

I was at an awful graduation open house with my boyfriend. I only went to keep him company, as I did not know a single person there. After approximately 5 minutes he decided he had had enough, said, "Dip!" and bolted out of there like his head was on fire. I thought he meant he was going to get more dip for his vegetables, so I continued to sit there all by myself like a friendless idiot, which I am.

DENIED

Tonight at the bar, after several requests to the DJ (Limp Bizkit, Barry Manilow, Elton John, ICP, KC & Jo Jo) we heard loudly: "Yeah!.... It don't stop.... [reads request]... Please stop."

MY NEW LIFE OF CRIME

I recently turned to graffiti as the latest outlet for my creative impulses. After proudly sending some photos of my work to L2, she told me that she wanted to show them to her coworkers but she was worried they'd ask her how old I was, and she'd be too embarrassed to answer truthfully.

GOOD SAMARITAN

Today I quietly informed a girl, "I think you have something in your hair." I carefully reached out to remove the neon strand and realized it was attached to her weave. Yes, I tried to pull out a girl's weave today.

YOU JEEPIN BEHIND MY BACK?

Mid-embrace:

L1: Are you reading your video game website over my shoulder?
Boyfriend: No, I swear.
L1: Yes, you were!
Boyfriend: No, I was reading my phone over your shoulder.

HOTNESS FAIL

I straightened my hair in a desperate attempt to be hot for my boyfriend. He took one look at me and said, "You look like Elvira." I think he meant Morticia but either way, it wasn't good.

:(

My own mother refused to watch my drink because she didn't believe anyone would want to date rape me.

THINGS I PROBABLY SHOULDN'T ADMIT

Ever catch yourself checking out your hot second cousin on Facebook?

DUCK!

I saw one of my students at the twat doctor.

GOOD ONE

Coworker: J told me, "I think I'm in love with L1."
L1: Really? He said that?
Coworker: No, I'm just kidding.

THANKS

"Ugh, kids! Why have 'em?" -Our mom

QUEEN OF LOSERS

While drinking alone at the bar on Valentine's Day, I realized I was sitting next to the drummer from Kings of Leon... who witnessed me drinking alone at the bar on Valentine's Day. Later I went to dinner where the Indian host addressed me as "sir." Last Valentine's Day I was nagged into a blow job, so I guess the saddest part of all of this is that this year was a major improvement.

AND SO IT HAPPENS AGAIN

During one of the 4,300 times I logged into Twitter* today, I noticed that I appeared to be following Christian Siriano. Since Christian Siriano is not one of my 5 friends, I clicked the photo so that I could figure out the identity of the strange boy who made his way to my followers list. Mystery solved, it was just L2 modeling her new mullet in her latest photo.

*The fact that we use Twitter might be the most embarrassing part of this story.

BLUE MOON

I mooned L2 and she complained about an unsightly bruise on my ass. I looked in the mirror and found that I do not have a bruise on my ass at all; she merely mistook the shadow from a giant cellulite dimple for one.

WHAT DO WE AND THE PLAGUE HAVE IN COMMON?

L2: Where have you been?
Dad: Avoiding you.

GUESS I'LL GO EAT WORMS

L2 took a vacation with her only friend and, being socially retarded in real life situations, immediately began having withdrawals from all social networking sites. She texted with instructions to check her MySpace and relay the newest comment. As expected, she had zero notifications. I doubt anyone even notices she's gone.

KARMA BITES ME IN THE ASS VAG AGAIN

Shame: having the girl with the biggest boobs in middle school whose yearbook you stole in order to scribble "SKANK!" inside it dispense your yeast infection meds at the pharmacy 10 years later.

BIRTHDAY BUTT RAPE

Last year my birthday present to myself was a trip to New York to sex up an internet friend I had been chatting with for 48 hours. One morning we were spooning, semi-clothedly, when suddenly - without warning - I was rammed in the ass by his dick. I spent the next 24 hours walking around the city like a cripple and not using the bathroom because even taking a piss made my asshole bleed.

The next week at Thanksgiving dinner when I was sharing this charming tale with my family, my mom confessed that when I was a baby, my doctor had informed her that I was born with an abnormally small butthole, but she had kept it from me all these years because she didn't want me to feel different. Had I known this information earlier, I might have been more protective of it. Sorry, butthole.

WHAT NOT TO WEAR TO WORK

A student passed me the following note:

Ms. L1,
That shirt doesn't fit your style. You look older... like Mrs. J. Eww.

On one hand, I consider it a small victory that the student spelled everything right and had no grammatical errors. On the other, apparently I look like shit.

GOOD POINT

L2: He likes you now so who cares?
L1: Well I don't want to think that before he knew me he liked girls like that.
L2: Well before you knew him you liked an 8th grader.

GUESS AGAIN

A lady at work came up to compliment my hair. This would be a good thing if the compliment was something other than, "MY SON WOULD JUST LOVE THAT HAIRCUT!" Bottom line, the lady thought I was a boy.