LOST IN TRANSLATION

Obviously I have no social skills, so I try to limit my communication with people to text messages and AIM conversations. This usually works out well except in the instance years ago when my (now-ex) boyfriend, via IM, asked my preferred word for “vagina.” Being an immature ass, I thought he was being funny, so I replied that I really loved the word “twat.”

I had no clue that he was genuinely inquiring as to what I would like him to call my particular vagina until a few days later when he leaned over and whispered in my ear, “Baby… let me lick your twat.”

I almost died but thankfully didn’t so now I am here to warn you that the, “What do you want me to call your vagina?” conversation is probably one that should occur in person. Just trying to help.

A MOMENT OF PANIC

Drewski: This girl I went to dinner with once is all naked on the internet.

L1: What

L1: Who

L1: Why

L1: Wait

L1: Is it me?

HOW TO BOGGLE PEOPLE'S MINDS

This is the Facebook message I received from my "friend" Van:

"Do you really have a boyfriend? Or is this some weird Facebook relationship wherein you fake people out?"

Apparently it's inconceivable that anyone might really, for real, actually date me.

CONFIRMATION

L1 7:24 pm I am the worst.
Jared 7:25 pm Oh come on now.
L1 7:25 pm No, I really am. Just ask Dennis.
Jared 7:26 pm Haha Ok. Well Dennis has already told me that.

I THOUGHT OLD PEOPLE HAD BAD EYES?

Grandma to L2: Where'd you get all those pimples?

GUESS NOT

L1: Some guy was yelling at L2 at a concert, saying she's so hot and he wants to fuck her.

Drewski: What is wrong with people? Don't they have eyes?

ONE OUT OF TWO AIN'T BAD

L1: I read that moms who have kids after age 30 are more likely to have successful children. My mom was in her 30s when she had me and L2.

Drewski: Well... at least it worked with one of the two.

REVILED BY ALL SPECIES

Since zero humans like me, I tend to befriend animals instead. I met a really cool dog in a bar last night. I felt a real friendship budding between us, a true connection. Then I tried to give him a smooch and he barked loudly in my face. So basically everyone in the bar saw or heard me get rejected by a dog.

GOOD ONE, MOM

Mom: You look pretty.

L2: What?

Mom: JUST KIDDING.

A LOVE STORY FOR THE AGES

L1: Last night we got "engaged" at Puzzlers in Burton and the DJ announced it and I think everyone really thinks we're getting married.

DL: I don't know why you tell me these things. Maybe you're trying to break a record of how disappointed someone can be in someone else.

L1: Just don't want you to be surprised when you see our announcement in the paper.

DL: I think the most underrated aspect of this story is that you're now partying at bars in Burton. Now you just gotta hook up with his dad and you'll hit the tri-fecta.

L1: Within 3 seconds of being there I was texting L2 saying, "COME GET ME," because it was so skanky and this crazy bitz cornered me in the bathroom because she likes him. I thought I was going to get beat up for sure.

DL: I really want to know how these brothers feel about both hooking up with you. I always knew you'd end up in a Burton bathroom getting threatened by a girl whose boyfriend and his brother you made out with.

L1: I don't think either of them care really.

DL: Yikes... So are you actually serious about this?

L1: I'm just going along with it, whatever, trying something new. It's the relationship of the future.

DL: Wow...What...The...Fuck...Dude...I am literally speechless. I am dumbstruck. I don't think you will ever recover from the path that your life is on right now.

L1: Hahaha why?

DL: 1. You're engaged... actually that's my only point.

L1: But only maybe for real.

L1: Ok I am so not fake engaged anymore, what a pain in my ass. We went to Puzzlers again with L2. He had taken two pills of E and was acting like a retard. I got annoyed with him kissing L2 on the cheek so I kissed his friend who told him, "I made out with L1, hope you're not mad!" He got pissed at me, and was all, "YOU MADE OUT WITH MY FRIEND!!!! AND MY BROTHER!!" and I was like, "CAUSE YOU KISSED MY SISTER!!" Hahahahaahahahahahaha I really think I might kill myself this time for real.

DL: Alright, so you're a hillbilly now. I wish I had clever things to say but you blow my mind to such an extent that my brain can't correctly create any insults.

THIS IS WHAT I'M GOOD FOR

L1: He always wants to sleep over because he likes sleeping next to me.

Mom: Does he have air conditioning? I bet he doesn’t, and that’s why he wants to sleep over.

I CAN'T EVEN TOTAL MY CAR LIKE A NORMAL PERSON

This is me and Muns after I nearly killed us on 1-75. Please note my bare feet, men's flannel pajamas, lack of bra (that one was kind of hard to draw), Muns' wound that made it look like he had his period, and our two most prized possessions that we had to recover from the wreckage: a 5 dollar bottle of wine and Fanny.

WHOOPS MY BAD

L2: Is he hot?

L1: That’s a girl.

S.O.S.

The following texts from L1 to L2 went completely ignored:

Text 1: He brought me to a bar. Two minutes later a fight broke out, bottles flying by my head. Now he’s MIA. Come get me?

Text 2: PLZ PICK ME UP

Text 3: I WANT TO DIE

Text 4: Omg plz get me. I’m falling asleep. Drunx everywhere.

Text 5: I’m the only girl here. There’s a guy passed out in the corner. You have to help.

Text 6: L2 THEY’RE ON WELFARE.

Text 7: You are the worst sister ever.

I DO HAVE SOME DIGNITY

L1: Thank god I don't like you.

Drewski: Would you kill yourself?

L1: Definitely.

Drewski: I wouldn’t come to your funeral.

L1: Because you'd be sobbing uncontrollably in the hospital under sedation.

Drewski: If you killed yourself and left a note saying it was because you liked me I would be so insulted. I would erase you from my memory.

L1: That would be way too embarrassing. I'd never admit liking you. Duhhh. I have a reputation to uphold.

Drewski: Of a drunk ho bag?

L1: Yeah. Duh.

OUR INNER CIRCLE

Harry: You do know a lot of people who shit their pants!

SOME SLUTTY STATISTICS

Number of guys we’ve both made out with: 4

Number of times that happened on the same night: 2

% of those guys who now probably want to kill themselves: 100

YOU'RE PRACTICALLY A GENIUS, L2

L1: You're really not that dumb. I don't know why you act like it. I mean, you know how to spell 'throughout' and a lot of people don't.
L2: That’s not hard. Challenge me!
L1: Okay, where's Cyprus?
L2: (silence)

NO WAY

L1: I'm in Boston, New York on the 20th.

Laura: What manbeast are you rendezvousing with this time?

L1: None actually! I have a manz believe it or not.

Laura: Oh yeah! Saw it on Facebook, but thought it was some kind of joke.

HAPPY HUMP DAY

Drewski: The thought of L2 awkwardly humping me is so terrifying
L1: We are LOLing so hard. She says, “He'd be the one humping me!"
Drewski: Absolutely not. There is no way I would ever put any effort into sex with L2.

NAPPY HEADED HO

Kindergartener: Can I play with your hair?

L1: Sure.

Kindergartener: Good. It's really nappy.

HIGH STYLIN

Today at work I was wearing the same t-shirt as someone else. It was a boy. In kindergarten.

HELP ME

Today I saw that my Aunt Carol, my godmother, sent me something in the mail. Curious, I opened the envelope to discover this message:

Hi L1 – check it out!

GIRLFRIEND WANTED: 20s to 40s. Hear recorded message. Toll free (888) 917 – 5550. I am loner type, handsome man. Never wants kids.

Love,

Aunt Carol

I am so glad that when people see girlfriend wanted ads placed by desperate loners who don’t plan to reproduce, they immediately think of me. Also, I called this number and got no answer.

PLEASE OH PLEASE

L1: I’m gonna go to the gym, get swoll.
Ben: Get hot.
L1: I’ve been trying for 22 years.
Ben: It will happen.
L1: Fingers crossed.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY TO ME

Drewski: Remember when my birthday present to you was to ditch you with K?

L1: No, I forgot.

Drewski: I made it up to you though with Frankies.

L1: That's true, but because of you I ended up having drunken blackout birthday sex I don't remember and got a UTI from until Ronan cured it with 12 vodka cranberries.

THUG LYFE

Occasionally my friends take pity on me and let me visit them, as was the case when I went to LA for Thanksgiving. My friends there are dudes, and it wasn’t long before they decided to take a holiday trip to the classiest strip joint in town, Snooky’s. Since this was before I was ever dragged into a strip club and forced by Muns to take titty shots, I considered myself way too classy (ha!) to participate and instead stayed at the house while my friends ventured out to see some titties.

Bored and alone, I decided to entertain myself the best way I knew how – by posing for a picture with the life-size Pac and Snoop poster on the wall, duh. I set the timer on my camera but couldn’t find a location at the proper height to make the picture happen. Naturally, I stacked a chair on the bed and set the camera on top of it, but it was still not high enough. I added a space heater on top of the chair on top of the bed, and set the camera on top of that. Finally, success! I hit the button, ran to the poster, struck my best gangster pose, and…

…Spotted my friends peeking in the bedroom window. Apparently strip clubs aren’t open on holidays (imagine that!) so they returned, curious to spy what I was up to. Of course they asked me what the fuck I was doing, so I invented a story about a bug on the ceiling and me trying to get high enough to swat it. Yeah. I don't think they bought it.

WE'VE MADE THE BIG TIME

We have anonymous haters!

Anonymous said...

Just because some people are trying hard in life to be something doesn't mean you have the right to fuck with them for your pitiful entertainment and attention seeking blogs.

Sorry to all of you who are trying hard to be something when being big losers comes so easily to us. I realize you must all be jealous of our effortless sucking. Please accept our apologies and give us some attention.

OBVIOUSLY

Grandma: How's your boyfriend?

L1: We broke up.

Grandma: Oh. He must have found someone else.

AT LEAST WE SUCK EQUALLY

L1 to L2: Remember our contest to see who could make out with more guys at your open house and we both made out with zero?

I WIN AGAIN! THIS NEVER HAPPENS

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