REAL TEXT EXCHANGE

L1: Today I learned that the Underground Railroad was NOT a railroad that ran underneath the ground.

Dennis: Is this like an FML or actually about you?*

*It was actually about me.

IMPROVEMENT FROM TORI SPELLING?

14 year old: You obviously put a lot of thought into your sweaters...

L1: (Trying to sound hip and youthful) Yeah, I gotta stay fly.

14 year old: Um, no. You look like Freddy Krueger.

CRITICS AGREE

D5L53: Why do you come to me for advice? You do realize I led myself into the worst life situation of all time and if I could I would change every single thing about my life.
L1: I would argue that my life is even worse.
D5L53: I was gonna say that's not possible...but you may be the only person alive that can actually say that.

MOM: 1, L1: 0

Mom: I hate bras!
L1: Why are you wearing one?
Mom: Because I have boobs.

HERE'S TO YOU, MRS. ROBINSON

The only good thing about looking like a young teenager is that it allows me to make out with... young teenagers! I'm in my mid-twenties. Back when I was involved in one of my many sick and twisted dysfunctional relationships, I would often seek revenge on my on-off drunk sex partner by making out with his younger brother. Doing so sometimes required me to drive to the college town where the brother was a student and lived in the dorms.

I thought I was a real slick revenge master when, after a night of drinking, I returned back to the dorms to spend the night with him. Having not actually hung out in college dorms for about 10 years, I was unaware that overnight guests are required to supply their ID to the dorm Nazis stationed at the doors. The shame that I felt when I handed over my ID, revealing my true, creepy age was almost enough to buzzkill the satisfaction I got from hooking up with a hot college freshman in the name of spite. Almost.

I barfed the next morning.

OF COURSE NOT

I was iChatting with a friend when he disappeared for a few minutes. He returned saying, "Sorry I had to jerk off." I asked if he was being serious. He replied, "Yeah, but it had nothing to do with you."

YEP

D5L53: Yeah you're pretty easy.
D5L53: Not in a sexual way, but also, in a sexual way.

PROBABLY

L1: I made a video.
Jason: Could you see your mustache in it?

UNBONEABLE

D5L53: Besides you, any girl I've been friends with, even good friends, I still would have banged if they wanted.

WELL OKAY THEN

My best guy friend told me to comment on his new Facebook picture to make his ex-girlfriend jealous. Despite the fact that all our mutual friends would see it and think I'm a loser, I decided to be a good friend and leave him a photo comment. He took one look at the comment, said, "That's gay," and deleted it.

THANKS FOR NOTICING

Boyfriend: "You have a gobbler."