WHAT AN HONOR

L1: I’m glad he works in a bar. He must see drunk idiots all the time so I won’t even seem that bad.
Mom: He must get hit on all the time.
L1: So?
Mom: Yeah… nobody’s as slutty as you.

QUEEN OF THE DUMPEES

Coworker to a group of 7th graders: This is the Guidance Office. You can make an appointment to see your counselor if you're having a conflict. For example, if you think your boyfriend is going to dump you and you're all worried about it, you can talk to your counselor. Or you can ask L1 about it. She's good with that stuff.

TAKING APPLICATIONS

Coworker to L1: All alone again? Did you shower today? I need to round up some friends for you.

APPARENTLY I'M ACCIDENT-PRONE

L1: Last night I met Mal for dinner in Auburn Hills. When I left the ramp to 75N was blocked, so I got on 75S so I could get off at the next exit and get back on. The next exit was Chrysler Drive which apparently translates to LONG WINDING DRIVEWAY TO THE CHRYSLER BUILDING. I turned around to get back on, but the ramp was closed, so I decided to try the detour. The detour signs ended and there was no 75 in sight, so I turned around to find detour signs pointing the OTHER WAY, so I was like "WTF, am I in the Twilight Zone?" I get on 75S again and get off on Square Lake Road where I see a sign pointing to 75N, so I follow it.... and it leads me to like, town where there is construction everywhere. So I'm in a PANIC at this point. It's dark, no clue where I am, sweating/about to cry... and in this panic, while attempting to make a Michigan turn, I sideswipe a car. Inside the car = people with no teeth, two dogs, and a duck.
Drewski: Hahaha. What did they say?
L1: They were so mad. They yelled at me. These people were obviously crazy. I'm scared they will try to sue me.
Drewski: Probably. Why didn't they have teeth?
L1: Poor hygiene? They didn't brush twice a day?
Drewski: Why does shit like this always happen to you?
L1: I don't know! My life literally gets worse by the minute.

MAJOR ACHIEVEMENT

Today an autistic kid called me a homo. I'm glad he powered through his difficulty with social interaction to communicate this to me.

STORY OF MY LIFE

My old piece of shit computer recently died, so in a moment of rage I gave it to my dad, claiming that I was sick of it, and promptly purchased a new one. I thought my computer was a lost cause, that I could get a few cool points for giving it away without really sacrificing much since obviously it was never going to work again.

Today I learned that my dad, determined to save that hunk of junk, dropped it off somewhere to get it fixed. This would not be so bad except for my massive NOODZ collection. I now keep having frightening visions of tech geeks laughing at my vag. This is probably happening for real.

THE ULTIMATE FML

When FML.com became popular I thought, "Now here's a site that was made for me!" and obviously began submitting at least 5 true stories a day. However, zero of them were ever published on the site. I eventually came to the conclusion that my stories, despite being true, must have been unbelievable. So in other words, a website devoted to terrible lives couldn't even believe my terrible life.

THE VOICE OF AN ANGEL

San: You talk like a gay man.

**Note: I am a straight woman.

GET THESE LOSERS OFF MY SCREEN

Last night we got drunk (ok, L1 got drunk. L2 has no excuse) and went down our friends lists on Facebook leaving people video comments. We did this to SEVERAL people, including my 10th grade English teacher. So far two people have deleted their videos, and only one has responded.

TRUE STORY #4

Once I made out with a guy in a Leprechaun costume who was dancing to Phil Collins.